im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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