God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
