he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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