weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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