About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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