If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
