the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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