Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
