so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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