Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
