So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
