Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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