just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
