Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
