Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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