chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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