i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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