and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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