I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Randomize
