I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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