You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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