why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
