Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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