There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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