She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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