I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
