I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
