She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I could make wine with my vomit
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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