No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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