I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize