I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Randomize
