if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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