Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wish they made helmets for livers.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
