Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
