I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
