she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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