i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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