obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
