...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
