So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
