and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
