My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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