I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
