Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
