I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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