Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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