they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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