Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
