They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
