I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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