Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
