i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
