I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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