I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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