It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
