I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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