You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
