His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
