Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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