Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize