Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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