it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
