i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
