Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
