Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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