Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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