i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
